The Lost Art of Masculine Millinery
I've never been a hat person. Even as a youngster, what baseball I played I did bare-headed. During those bleak years between 21 and 24 as I grew progressively more bald, I did attempt to become a cap person, as I feared my exposed pate might frighten or disgust those PYTs I was trying to impress.
It didn't take, though. I found it was easier to shave my head and pretend I was a skinhead than to tolerate a constant skull-sitter.
I was never a sunglasses person, either, spending what brief moments I had exposed to solar radiation with my eyes unshielded. But now, I couldn't live without them. If I must endure high sun and I don't have my sunglasses, I prefer to navigate the out-of-doors with my eyes closed. A little dangerous, but I like to think it increases the sensitivity of my other senses. Soon, I will be able to tell if people are lying just by listening to their heartbeat. And fight crime in a devil suit.
Anyway...my point was going to be that if a personal accessory I once found awkward and undesirable is now indispensable, maybe there are others. Maybe I should start wearing hats. I am bald, after all. Perhaps being hatless is contributing to the slow roasting of my brain, and my increasing tendency toward paranoia has nothing to do with the people listening to all my conversations.
Unfortunately, the only hat I've seen lately that I actually liked was on a bus driver in the Virgin Islands. It was a fairly large stovepipe-type hat that looked to be made of black leather. It was very cool, though I have the sneaking suspicion that it required a large quantity of dredlocks to keep its healthy cat-in-the-hat shape. And even if I started growing now, there's no way I could grow enough hairmass. My scalp is dreadlock-impaired, alas.
I'm currently thinking about derbies or bowler hats, but no one makes good ones since Billingsworth and Co. burned down in the Boxing Day Fire of 1859.
So until such time as I discover a worthy shroud for my magnificent gleaming noggin, I will be looking into the overlooked utility of capes and spurs.
It didn't take, though. I found it was easier to shave my head and pretend I was a skinhead than to tolerate a constant skull-sitter.
I was never a sunglasses person, either, spending what brief moments I had exposed to solar radiation with my eyes unshielded. But now, I couldn't live without them. If I must endure high sun and I don't have my sunglasses, I prefer to navigate the out-of-doors with my eyes closed. A little dangerous, but I like to think it increases the sensitivity of my other senses. Soon, I will be able to tell if people are lying just by listening to their heartbeat. And fight crime in a devil suit.
Anyway...my point was going to be that if a personal accessory I once found awkward and undesirable is now indispensable, maybe there are others. Maybe I should start wearing hats. I am bald, after all. Perhaps being hatless is contributing to the slow roasting of my brain, and my increasing tendency toward paranoia has nothing to do with the people listening to all my conversations.
Unfortunately, the only hat I've seen lately that I actually liked was on a bus driver in the Virgin Islands. It was a fairly large stovepipe-type hat that looked to be made of black leather. It was very cool, though I have the sneaking suspicion that it required a large quantity of dredlocks to keep its healthy cat-in-the-hat shape. And even if I started growing now, there's no way I could grow enough hairmass. My scalp is dreadlock-impaired, alas.
I'm currently thinking about derbies or bowler hats, but no one makes good ones since Billingsworth and Co. burned down in the Boxing Day Fire of 1859.
So until such time as I discover a worthy shroud for my magnificent gleaming noggin, I will be looking into the overlooked utility of capes and spurs.
posted by Dean at 8/09/2005 12:59:00 AM
1 Comments:
Billingsworth and C. burned down??? Why doesn't anyone ever tell me anything?
Post a Comment
<< Home