An Application to Python's Ministry

I walk funny. I don't deny it. It's taken me a while to realize this, but after several winters of looking back upon snowy footprints that appear to have been made by a gargantuan duck with a broken leg, I suppose I must face facts. And the thing of it is, I don't really think my unique gait has anything to do with physical mutation. I mean, we've all seen those poor souls of indeterminate disability who lumber along in varying degrees of Quasimoditude. I think we're all pretty sure that results from a physical issue.

I guess it's possible the curve of my spine makes my feet "duck-out" a little by default, but I can walk like a normal person if I concentrate. Or at least make my footprints appear as if they were made by a standard parallel-foot human being. It doesn't hurt for me to walk that way, I'm not bending bones or twisting ligaments. It just takes too much mental effort, and I mostly don't mind giving an impression of lumbering bulk. Plus, when I'm walking with a standard foot configuration, I get the unpleasant feeling that I might be "mincing." Which is worse, somehow, in my opinion.

It is my belief that everyone's walk (and walk preferences) lie somewhere on the continuum between the Saunter and the Mince, with both ends of the spectrum not usually being something you want to witness. There is a guy at work who regularly appears out of nowhere to mince in the hallways (I'm still considering the possibility he is a ghost, since I never see him at a desk or interacting with anyone). Seems like a nice enough guy, but I've never talked to him. And yet, I have a negative opinion of him. You know. Because of the mincing.

And on the other side, while I am a Saunterine myself, I can't count the number of times I've had to wait for a pedestrian to plod across the road when a standard walk would have enabled me to proceed much sooner. Not that I really needed those extra thirty seconds, but still. It bugs.

So there you go. If you were looking for yet another way to objectify, classify, and generally de-humanize the people around you, use the Hale Gressology Scale, with 5 degrees on either side. I am an S-3, and I don't want any of you mincing freaks anywhere near me.