The Secret Lives of Accountants
Our workplace security staff (meaning the people that keep corporate spies out of our building, not the ones that keep us from leaving) occasionally send email to the entire building notifying us of personal items that they have found in their securing rounds. Usually cellphones. Sometimes a notebook or a wallet. This morning, though, I received three, nearly in a row, that paint a picture of bizarre overnight "goings-on." Here's what I got:
7:30
If anyone in the Bldg. lost a pair of shoes, please contact Security @ 23911 with a brief description. They were found in the North Side of the second floor.
7:35
If anyone in the Bldg. is missing a set of keys, please contact Security @ 23911 with a brief description. They were found on the second floor.
7:37
If anyone in the Bldg. is missing a single earring, please contact Security @ 23911 with a brief description. It was found in the stairwell.
What I think happened is this - Joe developer had been working late in his cubicle on the second floor, and decided to go home. As he heads out, he is surprised in the darkened hallway to the stairwell by Edna, the
Accounting Supervisor. She is holding a pair of keys, one large key pinched between two fingers, claw-like.
Joe: "Um, Hi Edna. Working late?"
Edna: "Hmm. Nice shoes you got there."
Joe: "Oh. You like them? They're made of gator. I got 'em in Florida."
Edna: "I want them."
Joe: "I can give you the name of the store where..."
Edna: "No. I want those."
Joe: "They're, uh, they're not for sale."
Edna: "Give them to me!"
Joe: "No!"
Edna: "Give me your shoes, B**ch!"
Taken aback and a little frightened by Edna, Joe takes off his shoes, and as Edna approaches to take them, he rams his head into her gut, knocking them both to the ground. Edna gouges Joe's face with her key, and he grabs her hand, slamming it against the floor until she drops the keys. They struggle through the open door to the stairwell and tumble down, still fighting. Joe rips an earring from Edna's ear and Edna bites off the tip of Joe's nose.
But what happened from there is anyone's guess, since we don't have further evidence. Perhaps they continued their brawl out the doors and into the night rain. I cannot say.
Sure, I know it sounds ridiculous, but the only other explanation is spontaneous human combustion, and security didn't say anything about finding large piles of greasy ash.
I mean, if they did, I might have tried to claim them. You never know when greasy ash can come in handy.
I might want to make soap or something.
7:30
If anyone in the Bldg. lost a pair of shoes, please contact Security @ 23911 with a brief description. They were found in the North Side of the second floor.
7:35
If anyone in the Bldg. is missing a set of keys, please contact Security @ 23911 with a brief description. They were found on the second floor.
7:37
If anyone in the Bldg. is missing a single earring, please contact Security @ 23911 with a brief description. It was found in the stairwell.
What I think happened is this - Joe developer had been working late in his cubicle on the second floor, and decided to go home. As he heads out, he is surprised in the darkened hallway to the stairwell by Edna, the
Accounting Supervisor. She is holding a pair of keys, one large key pinched between two fingers, claw-like.
Joe: "Um, Hi Edna. Working late?"
Edna: "Hmm. Nice shoes you got there."
Joe: "Oh. You like them? They're made of gator. I got 'em in Florida."
Edna: "I want them."
Joe: "I can give you the name of the store where..."
Edna: "No. I want those."
Joe: "They're, uh, they're not for sale."
Edna: "Give them to me!"
Joe: "No!"
Edna: "Give me your shoes, B**ch!"
Taken aback and a little frightened by Edna, Joe takes off his shoes, and as Edna approaches to take them, he rams his head into her gut, knocking them both to the ground. Edna gouges Joe's face with her key, and he grabs her hand, slamming it against the floor until she drops the keys. They struggle through the open door to the stairwell and tumble down, still fighting. Joe rips an earring from Edna's ear and Edna bites off the tip of Joe's nose.
But what happened from there is anyone's guess, since we don't have further evidence. Perhaps they continued their brawl out the doors and into the night rain. I cannot say.
Sure, I know it sounds ridiculous, but the only other explanation is spontaneous human combustion, and security didn't say anything about finding large piles of greasy ash.
I mean, if they did, I might have tried to claim them. You never know when greasy ash can come in handy.
I might want to make soap or something.
posted by Dean at 10/28/2005 11:00:00 AM
4 Comments:
you continue to amaze me everyday.
Sweet! Thanks.
Now if I can also manage to get into some kind of lab accident that gives me the proportional strength of a spider, I might finally be able to get someone to make a comic book about me...
This was great. Is there anyone walking around today with a bandage on their nose?
I've been looking, but so many people wear nose bandages these days, it's hard to tell...
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