ZP ME

I have long wondered why the metal detectors at airports beep at me. I used to have these boots with metal loops for the laces that I was convinced set the things off, but my recent trip to England clad only in leather slipons (plus pants and shirt) disproved that theory. Every security "portal" I went through beeped. Every one. I joked with the officers that arrived to prod me with detection wands that I just have high iron content in my blood...but really, what the heck is it? A metal plate from a war wound I don't remember? A microchip in my head? Nanotech in my bloodstream? I don't get it. It's weird.

But I'm developing a new theory. I've noticed that whenever I get up from my desk, I habitually touch non-electronic metal surfaces to discharge excess electricity. To discharge excess electricity. I never thought anything about it, but who does that? How can a person build up a personal electric charge without even moving? I mean sure, I can understand static electricity buildup when you've got rubber-soled feet (or a balloon suit) and
you're walking on the carpet (or rolling in cat fur). But I'm not doing those things.

So here's the truth of it. I'm a Zero Point Energy conduit. I'm unconsciously pulling "free" electricity from ambient electromagnetic fields into my body. That, in turn, wreaks havoc with metal detectors and causes me to have to discharge electricity into nearby metal to avoid electrocuting my neighbors.

It's the only plausible explanation.

I do hesitate to announce it publicly for fear some shadowy agency will abduct me and use my uncanny ability to power some nefarious doomsday device, so if anyone asks, I'm joking.